A few months ago we were at a church where a visiting preacher preached and his family sang. They were smiling and rejoicing in the truths in the songs and giving testimonies. The preacher brought a great message -- one of those that make you
think. =)
Afterward I was in the foyer, and many people had left already. (Our family tends to stay awhile!) =) I saw the visiting preacher's wife over to the side with a lady she obviously knew pretty well. The preacher's wife was struggling to hold back tears, and the other lady had her arm around her and was comforting her, murmuring words of consolation and saying she was praying. I don't remember what was said, but obviously that preacher's wife (and maybe the preacher too!) was going through some hard times.
Sometimes we see people who are "out there," and they are smiling; doing God's work, tirelessly, it seems; helping others; taking prayer requests from those who look up to them and know they can "get a-hold of God." They just keep going on, day after day. And many times they still have small children and/or teenagers. I'm talking about the families of evangelists, pastors, missionaries, bus workers, and more, all serving the Lord with their wives and children.
It's a blessing to see families like this. Those who have raised their children to love the Lord. The families where you know the wife is following her husband with a joyful spirit, and is not bitter because of her husband's choices.
But these people are just people. Like you and me. They have struggles. They have kids who argue, who have attitudes toward mom and dad, who get tired of being under scrutiny because others think that the preacher's kid shouldn't get tired and cranky, shouldn't have a sinful nature (...
really??) like other kids do.
Hmmm...
Wives who have kids who are under such scrutiny surely have more stress than those whose aren't. Who, if they need to stay home from church, won't feel judged as to whether their sickness was "sick enough." Some people handle illnesses better than others, and not because they are tougher, but because it doesn't affect them as much. You see it in your own children -- some seem to get sicker than the others in the family.
Being a wife and a mom is a lot of work. Being a wife to a preacher, and mother to that preacher's kids, is a lot more work. Because everyone expects her husband to be available. Because other ladies sometimes expect her to do all, be all. Because people expect her kids to act better than theirs. And if their own children are super great, some people don't think hers should be less than super.
But sometimes a wife gets discouraged. She misses her husband when he constantly needs to meet someone else's need. When he's visiting someone at the hospital, when the kids are sick and she needs a shoulder to lean on, when the washer breaks and there are piles of laundry and it's revival week, when supper burns and everyone is running late and one child lost her shoe and another fell and busted his lip...
And sometimes kids in a ministry family feel like they're always being picked on for not being perfect. When other people's kids pick up on their own parents' criticism, and begin their own whisper campaign. When they have to stay late after church and are tired and have school the next morning. And if they homeschool, maybe being left out of things because the schooled kids are better friends since they see each other every day.
And if the children are made fun of or left out, the mom feels even more stress.
So if they're just people like us, what is the difference? The difference in ministry families and lay people is that one family answered God's call to minister to others. They're out there serving, not looking to receive.
We don't see behind the scenes. We don't see the tears, the heartache - for with life eventually comes some sorrow. We don't see the exhaustion, the temptation to give it up. Because if a person is truly wanting to do the Lord's will, they will do their best to be an encourager to others, so you see that side of the picture.
I know people like this and they amaze me. They have troubles, but are the encouragers, the ones who offer prayer, who will be willing to talk if someone needs it. The ones who don't make you feel less than them if you aren't as spiritual as they are.
For you see, those who have this love for others, this attitude of forgiveness, of caring... these are the ones who are so full of the Love of God that it spills over, even when they have their own troubles.
. . . . . . .
But sometimes a wife or children will get so discouraged, they do become bitter. Maybe not terribly, but the discontent is there at times. They may even slowly stop being the encourager, the giver... They may begin to show a bit of resentment, being peeved at some things, and may even say something that hurts your feelings!
And people begin to see the flaws, the cracks... And they begin to criticize.
(Why do we think criticizing is a lesser sin than the sin we are criticizing??)
But a criticized person will not feel encouraged to change.
But WE NEED to encourage our sister in Christ! Whether or not they're doing something wrong, whether or not we think they should be more kind, should not have said those words, whether or not their Johnny kicked your Susie...
"Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted." Galatians 6:1
Note the phrases, "ye which are spiritual" and "in the spirit of meekness."
And "restore." If I had a priceless antique that I wanted to be restored, I would want to choose someone who knew what they were doing. I would want someone who was careful, who took their time to do it correctly, who used the right tools, etc. Be careful how you restore.
1. the act of restoring; renewal, revival, or reestablishment.
2. the state of fact of being restored.
3. a return of something to a former, original, normal, or unimpaired condition.
4. restitution of something taken away or lost.
5. something that is restored, as by renovating.
Restoration won't happen with criticism or disdain. We women especially can convey extreme disdain with just a look! And those looks can really hurt.
Sometimes we just feel like what some else is doing is just so
wrong, though! She should not act like that, or have an attitude, or do this or that.
Why do we think badly of someone who
sins differently than we sin??
"For
all have sinned..."
And unforgiveness is sin.
No matter what the other person does, we are responsible for our own actions. We can't blame our actions on theirs.
I listened to a message the other week by Bro. Johnny Pope
* "
The Suburbs of Forgiveness." I'd like to encourage you all to watch it.
Look for things to do for a family who is in the ministry, even if they are simple things. Add them to your prayer list and pray for specific needs, for the Lord to uplift them, for Him to give them a scripture that will help them though their day, for Johnny and Susie to see that their mother needs them to be a help around the house and to pick up after themselves, etc.
No matter how small, whatever need you see!
(Here is a great message on "
Power in Prayer" by Dr. David Gibbs, Jr.
*)
Look for ways to be kind. I think a lot of faults can be covered by being kind.
"She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness." Proverbs 31:26
I saw this statement once -
"To become the Proverbs 31 woman, you can't skip chapters 1-30."
I encourage you to read a chapter in Proverbs every day. Really
search for verses that are what you need for that day. Make a point to write them down, maybe in a small notebook. If you didn't find a verse, re-read until you do. Make it a habit to be thinking through each verse as you read. Proverbs isn't a book to be read quickly. And if you soak it in, it will change you. =)
Be an encouragement when you're around ministry families. Watch for things to compliment them on. If you see their child being kind, give a compliment. If you see their kid
not doing something they shouldn't, give a compliment. Give compliments for character, not on clothes or hair, etc. Engage the kids in conversation or offer to watch small children in the nursery after church so mom can have a chance to talk to other ladies. Look for ways to be helpful, maybe even something at their house, and be sure to ask how they want it done.
Often I think
doing something for someone goes a long way, more than giving something. Doing something takes more time than handing someone money for a new dress, etc. Dresses and other things that we can buy are really super nice! It's great to spoil your pastor's wife and I think it should be done! But when you also show you care about someone enough to give your personal time, it speaks to someone's heart.
"Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:3
"And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." Ephesians 4:32
The book of I John is also really good to read -- has a lot about brotherly love. Just 5 short chapters. =)
Read
here.
P.S. Several articles:
A book:
- Don't Muzzle the Ox: All the Things a Pastor Wishes His Church Understood but is Hesitant to Tell Them, by Bo Wagoner*
Also available for Kindle
In the above articles, if you read something you don't agree with, keep reading! These authors are doing their best to get across what many church members need to know. If you truly care and are truly searching, God will show you some things! =)
DISCLAIMER:
*I have personally met and heard these
* men preach, some many times.
The others I linked to, I like this particular article by them, but have never met nor heard of them before.
• Proverbs 26:20-23 "Where no wood is, there the fire goeth out: so where there is no talebearer, the strife ceaseth. As coals are to burning coals, and wood to fire; so is a contentious man to kindle strife. The words of a talebearer are as wounds, and they go down into the innermost parts of the belly. Burning lips and a wicked heart are like a potsherd covered with silver dross."
-- A lot of division between brothers and sisters in Christ is caused by the tongue, which "no man can tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison." James 3:8
Gossip, whether true or not, makes the devil happy.
• Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."
--What kinds of things do you dwell on? Past wrongs? Pour out your hurts to the Lord. Then pray for those who have hurt you. Keep praying! It will take time, but you'll begin to see a change in your heart. 😊
• Matthew 5:44 "But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you."
sMiLeS,
